My gay boyfriend and I used to go out to gay clubs together. He loves partying with lesbians and was glad to be my wingman to assist in meeting women. One evening before heading to a club, we were having dinner at a French restaurant, the two of us at a table, and an old man came over. “I want to tell you two what a beautiful couple you make,” he said. “You will have such gorgeous babies one day!” My gay boyfriend and I thanked him for the compliment and proceeded to turn shades of red, not knowing what else to say! We allowed the old man to think that we were together for his sake.
The reality is we are always perceived to be straight. He is athletic and masculine, and I am very feminine, not what the world thinks about gay people. Furthermore, he’s attracted to masculinity as I’m attracted to femininity, further messing with stereotypes about us. When the majority of people in the world are heterosexual, I’ve become accustomed to being a minority. Not one for labeling my sexuality, envisioning a future where all these labels are not needed, I do have to correct people at times. I’m not straight, I’m a lesbian. And I may have to repeat that 10,000 more times in my life. Much of the time I simply say nothing. It depends on the situation.
My gay boyfriend and I continued on from the restaurant to the gay club downtown, where he ordered cocktails at the bar. The butch lesbian bartender eyed me standing next to him. “What does your girlfriend want to drink?” she asked him.
“Um, she’s not my girlfriend. We’re both gay,” he explained. Her eyebrows arched in surprise. A common reaction.
The point I would like to illustrate is that the lesbian dating world is tough, especially when everyone thinks you’re heterosexual and you may not be sure who is gay or bisexual based on looks. That butch woman may be straight. The straightest looking woman in the room may be completely gay. The gay clubs are dominated by men, and the few women going out to them in my city are generally straight, bi-curious, raging alcoholics and addicts, or not hot. Only once in a blue moon did I meet someone I was actually interested in, and the comical part was that my gay boyfriend sometimes went home with her gay boyfriend.
He and I concluded, after two years of Saturday nights at clubs, that everyone thought we were a couple, which totally undermined my efforts, and the gay clubs are not where most of the lesbians go. Where are all the lesbians hiding?! You may wonder. Where do you find women to date if not at gay clubs? I can tell you from my thirteen years of experiences that the lesbian community is extremely vibrant and active online (OkCupid, Match, Plenty of Fish) and women are sometimes meeting at queer mixers and events. Wherever it may be—through a dating site, a friend, a cocktail hour—women are finding each other for one-night stands, romantic flings, and long marriages.
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