Reflection

As I pull the fake lashes from my tired eyes I catch myself staring at my reflection. I have one of those moments of self-awareness. Wondering how I could have gotten so far down this path and yet I can’t imagine being anywhere else. I know it sounds a bit crazy, almost as though its purgatory but isn’t that what purgatory is? An in-between place of wanting exactly what you have yet not sure you want it at all. That’s it, that place of in-between is exactly where I find myself. Completely and utterly amazed at the fact of getting here. Perhaps it’s all been by design. An intricate plan unfolding. One in which I designed and yet I have no idea where it’s ending me up. All of this in one steady stare of a reflection I don’t recognize. Searching for some explanation I find buried beneath the shear facade of the person looking back. A glimmer of someone I recognize. Its then and only then that the flash of her plan comes before me. I realize that this, this is exactly what she wanted, and this was her design, her plan, and her destiny. I don’t know when I’m honestly happy any other way. I shake my head as though to shake the realization from my thoughts but her knowledge haunts me and I bury it deep inside like I do all her other recognitions. It’s strange having the feeling someone else is living within you, living part of your life as their own. I go about as though this notion doesn’t faze me continuing to act as I always have emerging from the bathroom with a clean smiling face. As my mind continues to wonder why it is that an extremely soft-core photo shoot with a fellow redheaded girlfriend of mine would cause such a stir within me. Perhaps it’s the obvious contradiction we are to each other. Her with her 1950’s existence in the twenty first century and I with a temptress modern life. The obvious is I am definitely a porn girl feeling unsatisfied with shoots of a scantily clad G rated nature even if I am happily willing and able to do them for something that pulls me completely out of my comfort zone. I truly am soul satisfied taking my clothes off on camera, performing erotically stimulating scenes, and in some ways being able to expose my soul in an expressive way I can’t even contemplate at times. Knowing damn well the only thing that keeps me doing these things, these public acts is the erotic pulsing that begins every time I talk about it, do it, see the finished piece, and creatively see the stimulation that propels a mass of society. Perhaps it’s no different than speaking a foreign language,iIt will touch people in many different ways. I touch in a teasing seductress kind of way that touches an itch people spend their lives trying to reach.