{"id":572,"date":"2013-09-25T09:00:10","date_gmt":"2013-09-25T14:00:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/rubysdiary.com\/RubysDiaryBLOG\/?p=572"},"modified":"2015-05-05T20:34:45","modified_gmt":"2015-05-06T01:34:45","slug":"reflection","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/rubysdiary.com\/RubysDiaryBLOG\/2013\/09\/25\/reflection\/","title":{"rendered":"Reflection"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"09_25_13\"<\/a>As I pull the fake lashes from my tired eyes I catch myself staring at my reflection. I have one of those moments of self-awareness. Wondering how I could have gotten so far down this path and yet I can’t imagine being anywhere else. I know it sounds a bit crazy, almost as though its purgatory but isn’t that what purgatory is? An in-between place of wanting exactly what you have yet not sure you want it at all. That\u2019s it, that place of in-between is exactly where I find myself. Completely and utterly amazed at the fact of getting here. Perhaps it’s all been by design. An intricate plan unfolding. One in which I designed and yet I have no idea where it’s ending me up. All of this in one steady stare of a reflection I don’t recognize. Searching for some explanation I find buried beneath the shear facade of the person looking back. A glimmer of someone I recognize. Its then and only then that the flash of her plan comes before me. I realize that this, this is exactly what she wanted, and this was her design, her plan, and her destiny. I don’t know when I’m honestly happy any other way. I shake my head as though to shake the realization from my thoughts but her knowledge haunts me and I bury it deep inside like I do all her other recognitions. It’s strange having the feeling someone else is living within you, living part of your life as their own. I go about as though this notion doesn’t faze me continuing to act as I always have emerging from the bathroom with a clean smiling face. As my mind continues to wonder why it is that an extremely soft-core photo shoot with a fellow redheaded girlfriend of mine would cause such a stir within me. Perhaps it’s the obvious contradiction we are to each other. Her with her 1950’s existence in the twenty first century and I with a temptress modern life. The obvious is I am definitely a porn girl feeling unsatisfied with shoots of a scantily clad G rated nature even if I am happily willing and able to do them for something that pulls me completely out of my comfort zone. I truly am soul satisfied taking my clothes off on camera, performing erotically stimulating scenes, and in some ways being able to expose my soul in an expressive way I can’t even contemplate at times. Knowing damn well the only thing that keeps me doing these things, these public acts is the erotic pulsing that begins every time I talk about it, do it, see the finished piece, and creatively see the stimulation that propels a mass of society. Perhaps it\u2019s no different than speaking a foreign language,iIt will touch people in many different ways. I touch in a teasing seductress kind of way that touches an itch people spend their lives trying to reach.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As I pull the fake lashes from my tired eyes I catch myself staring at my reflection. I have one of those moments of self-awareness. Wondering how I could have gotten so far down this path and yet I can’t imagine being anywhere else. I know it sounds a bit crazy, almost as though its […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":975,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1120,4626,9,3047,4625,37],"tags":[5101,438,38,11,53,12,14,57,52,13,439,225],"class_list":["post-572","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-contributors","category-day-in-the-life-vlogs","category-diary","category-ruby-day-2","category-ruby-day-tv","category-show-all","tag-diary","tag-mirror","tag-red-hair","tag-red-head","tag-reflection","tag-ruby-day","tag-rubys-diary","tag-rubyday","tag-rubysdiary","tag-rubysdiary-com","tag-self-awareness","tag-self-perspective"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/rubysdiary.com\/RubysDiaryBLOG\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/572","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/rubysdiary.com\/RubysDiaryBLOG\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/rubysdiary.com\/RubysDiaryBLOG\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/rubysdiary.com\/RubysDiaryBLOG\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/rubysdiary.com\/RubysDiaryBLOG\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=572"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/rubysdiary.com\/RubysDiaryBLOG\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/572\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":581,"href":"http:\/\/rubysdiary.com\/RubysDiaryBLOG\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/572\/revisions\/581"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/rubysdiary.com\/RubysDiaryBLOG\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/975"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/rubysdiary.com\/RubysDiaryBLOG\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=572"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/rubysdiary.com\/RubysDiaryBLOG\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=572"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/rubysdiary.com\/RubysDiaryBLOG\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=572"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}